My apologies to you for the slowness of my postings recently. Since what I was typically writing about related so closely to my work, and I am now without work, it’s seemed like there was just less to say. Plus, while my recovery process from surgery has been going excellent, the attention I must now give to how and when I eat and drink has almost consumed my life. I can tell you that at least on that count, I will be making an even greater effort to exert a bit more control so that I can not feel as though I’m a slave to my daily schedule. Let’s face it–that’s a tough enough thing when you have a job that swallows up most of your day. When you’re unemployed, it’s downright embarrassing.
Tonight my newly-separated employer is holding their annual Christmas party, for which I was specifically invited to attend. Since that invitation came the day following my dismissal, it at first seemed a bit bizarre–no sooner am I sent packing than I’m being included in a company social event. Then I realized that this truly was a heartfelt effort to include me, as someone who had been a part of the daily life of that place. It is certainly consistent with the feeling I got that no one at my workplace participated in the decision to let me go, nor was happy about the outcome. It’s a surreal thing to have to cope with the reality of not being able to do the thing you love to do everyday while realizing that everyone else that’s there likely feels the same way. It’s the same kind of feeling I have about going to the party.
I’m anxious about going–both in the sense of being excited about seeing all of my friends, and in the sense of feeling a bit nervous about going. I’m pretty sure that I will get more than my fair share of attention from everyone under the circumstances, which alone contributes to my ambivalent feelings. While all of their kind words and concern for me will probably do my ego a world of good, I’m not all that at ease in that situation. And I’m more than a bit concerned about how I might feel afterwards–will it be an uplifting reinforcement of the part I have played in my co-workers’ daily lives, or will I feel even more than now that I am on the outside looking in? Of all of the career options I must consider at this point, the one at the top of the list is to return to where I have been the past 16 years and continue the work I have so loved to do there. Should that give me hope to believe it will happen sooner than later, or am I causing unnecessary heartache by holding out for something that will probably never happen? Perhaps the answer, or at least part of the answer, will come from tonight’s events. I’m just hoping they’ll have something on the menu that I can actually eat. When your diet consists of yogurt, cottage cheese, scrambled eggs and tuna, it’s not a small hope.
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