Archive for the “What's So Funny About The News?” Category
It’s a slightly less than serious look at the latest news, whether it’s the latest report on the aphrodisiac-like qualities of the lima bean or how completely unaware Britney Spears was of being completely inappropriate.
- The federal government’s quarter-trillion-dollar bank buy-in plan is being embraced by the industry as a means to get them back to the business of lending again, but many experts believe it won’t provide a quick fix to the nation’s economic problems. In my experience, depending on a bank to really help me with my problems is like hiring a shark to host a pool party…
- Wednesday’s final presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama may very well be McCain’s last chance to shake up a race that many polls suggest has been wrapped up by Obama. McCain’s people have suggested he may again try to connect Obama to Bill Ayers, the one-time anti-war radical who is now a professor and neighbor of Obama’s–I don’t know about you, that gets me right off worrying about the economy…
 Engineers at NASA say they know how repair the Hubble Space Telescope, and will begin a complicated remote-control fix Wednesday that will require them to wake up parts on the telescope that have been dormant for 18 years. Are we sure they’re qualified–after all, they probably have parts dormant for much longer than that…- A federal appeals court has ordered that Ohio’s election officials must establish a system to verify the eligibility of newly registered voters and make that information available to all of the state’s election boards, a victory for the state’s Republicans challenging the administration of registration policies by the Democratic secretary of state. So, the GOP is convinced the other side is trying to register ineligible pro-Obama votes, and the Dems are convinced the other side is trying to stop eligible pro-Obama voters from registering–at least they agree on something…
- Thanks to a break in Santa Ana winds, firefighters in Southern California have been able to better control 3 dangerous forest fires that have each moved closer to Los Angeles’ northwestern suburbs. The longer they can keep those arid breezes from fanning the flames, the better off they are–then again, it’s LaLa Land, and the Santa Anas are the least of their hot air problems…
 The upstart Tampa Bay Rays, who until now had never won more than 70 games a season, have pushed the mighty Boston Red Sox into an uncomfortable corner with a 13-4 rout of the defending World Series champs Tuesday–their second-straight lopsided win and the team’s third consecutive victory. The Sox have been here before, and they’ve roared back–but that was with "Manny being Manny", who’s now doing that pretty well for someone else…
Tags: Barack Obama, California, debate, Election Day, financial bailout, forest fires, Hubble Telescope, John McCain, Major League Baseball, NASA
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- The stock market returned to its wild ride Monday, as news of a global plan for buying directly into banks sent prices surging everywhere–including the US, where the Dow posted a gigantic 932 point gain, it’s biggest one-day bump in history. Brokers everywhere celebrated by taking off their homeless person disguises…
- President Bush said he would announce new plans Tuesday that will use a portion of the $700 billion bailout money for the purchase of stock in major US banks–the same plan adopted in Great Britain and throughout Europe. It must be strange for the president to announce a policy that wasn’t dictated to him while asleep by Karl Rove or Dick Cheney…
- Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida called for a House Ethics Committee investigation into his own conduct after an ABC News report that he agreed to pay $121,000 to a former mistress and staff worker after being threatened with a sexual harassment suit. He’s either incredibly confident, insane or calculating–in other words, a politician…
 Princeton professor and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman is the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Economics for his work on international trade patterns–making Krugman the best-known American economist to win the award in decades. Krugman has been a relentless critic of the Bush administration’s economic policies, particularly the bailout package–which to much of the world would qualify him as a genius…- Canada is wrapped up in an election campaign as well, with voters going to the polls Tuesday to likely re-elect Conservative Party incumbent prime minister Stephen Harper over Liberal Party leader Stephane Dion. A native of Quebec, Dion’s struggles with the English language have been a campaign issue–you mean like Sarah Palin?
 Wildifres in Southern California are moving into suburban Los Angeles neighborhoods, fanned by the area’s legendary Santa Ana winds, forcing frantic evacuations by homeowners–some given as little as 20 minutes to escape the engulfing flames. There are those trying to put a positive spin on the tragedy–their commute just got a lot shorter…
Tags: ABC, California, Canada, financial bailout, Nobel Prize, President Bush, stock market, wildfire
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- Better news is coming from world markets that started the new week considerably brighter, with Hong Kong, Australia, Singapore, South Korea and China all finishing with healthy increases and Eurpopean indicies showing good gains as well. The early news on Wall Street is encouraging as well–fewer brokers are on the ledges of downtown skyscrapers…
- After one of the worst weeks in Wall Street history, the White House is scrambling to get its unprecedented $700 billion economic recovery program up and running–which primarily means buying the bad assets that are at the heart of the current meltdown. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for your crappy subprime mortgage–it’s just that if you do default, it’ll be Uncle Sam left holding the bag instead of that sleazy mortgage company…
 The American Academy Of Pediatrics is now recommending that children from infants to teens get double the usually recommended amount of vitamin D–which would mean a daily intake of 4 cups of milk, far less than most kids get. There of course is a solution for this problem–serve ice cream at every meal…- John McCain said Sunday that he plans to "whip" Democratic opponent Barack Obama’s "you-know-what" in Wednesday’s final debate and promised more of his signature "straight talk" about the race. Then he asked when the Early Bird dinner started and if "that one" was gonna try and sneak in…
 The world of competitive eating has a new superstar–24-year-old Joey Chestnut, who claimed the hot-dog eating crown the last 2 years running, grabbed the pizza-eating crown Sunday in Times Square by gobbling 45 slices in just 10 minutes. Then if was off to a friend’s home for a delicious dinner–Joey downed 3 roasts, 15 pounds of potatoes, 4 apple pies and his hosts’ pet dog Ralphie in a half-hour…- Now that the Connecticut Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex couples have the right to wed, opponents are counting on a ballot measure to force a constitutional convention–such a vote can only happen once every 20 years–as a means of rewriting the state’s charter to ban the unions. Of course, it runs the risk of further altering the constitution–such as forcing Fairfield County to pay a 90% income tax…
Tags: American Academy of Pediatrics, Barack Obama, Children, competitive eating, Connecticut, financial bailout, Financial meltdown, gay marriage, health care, John McCain, Wall Street, White House
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- The stock market continued one of its worst months ever as the Dow fell 679 points Thursday, the sixth straight day of triple-digit losses–adding up to 2252 points, or a 20.8% drop. Friday’s trading appears to be continuing that trend–making my 401K about as valuable as my 10,000 shares of Enron…
- And once again, Wall Street’s troubles spread throughout the globe: European markets took substantial hits early Friday; trading was suspended in Austria and Russia; and Japan’s Nikkei Index fell nearly 10% to its lowest level in 5 years. It is ironic–for all the world’s disdain for us, they sure can’t seem to survive without us…
 The Alaska legislature has sworn itself to secrecy in reviewing an investigation of their governor, vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, into charges that she fired a state commissioner in order to settle a family dispute. The report, which will be made public Friday, could prove to be embarassing to Palin–which, frankly, would just be another day on the campaign trail for her…- Election officials in six states–Colorado, Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Nevada and North Carolina–have all defended their registration procedures after a New York Times report suggested tens of thousands of eligible voters in those states were either removed from voting rolls or blocked from registering as voters. The Times report does say that it appears to have been done by mistake, and not part of intentional violations by officials or coordinated efforts by any party–much to Howard Dean’s chagrin…
 US officials are saying that the Bush administration is close to removing North Korea from a terrorism blacklist in order to restart nuclear disarmament talks with them. It seems like a smart move–the longer you look at leader Kim Jong-il, the less seriously you take everything he says…- Former Finnish president Martti Ahtisaari will receive the 2008 Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to achieve lasting peace in Africa, Asia, Europe and the Middle East. Ahitisaari will receive his honor in Oslo, Norway December 10, where he will likely be considered as a fellow Scandinavian–which is kinda like calling somebody from Ireland a Brit…
Tags: Alaska, Election Day, Financial meltdown, Kim Jong Il, Nobel Prize, North Korea, Sarah Palin, Wall Street
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